Sleep test...canceled for the night! :)

Soooo...it's 12:45am Sunday and I am blogging. "I thought you had your sleep test" you might ask, well with my good luck............IT GOT CANCELED! Around 8:30 the sleep center called and the air condition was broke, the room I was supposed to sleep in was 90 degrees. I have to call Monday morning to reschedule. You might be wondering why I am so excited over this. Well, I slept in this morning forgetting my bed time was around 10:30pm, I just didn't feel like leaving my hubby and little boy for the night, and honestly I have bad PMS. So I am excited. I think I am going to reschedule for a Friday night next time. I figure it would be better because I am usually really tired and so is my hubby. That way we still have Saturday night together on that weekend. The guy said they should be able to get me in on whatever day I choose, just not this weekend because of the holiday. I don't want this to screw up me getting the surgery around November, I have heard that some doctors will not operate until the patient has been on their air machine (I forget the name of it) for at least a month. I do not know how true this is, but it really does make sense. So in that way, I just wish I was there sleeping right now, but I honestly would much rather be where I am, on my couch blogging. :)

saturday is coming to fast!

I want to say "I am sorry" for anyone that  I gave my e-mail to...it was the wrong one! I went to sign in the other night and I don't know what I was thinking but it wasn't even close. I check "martinimama412@gmail.com" all day, so if anyone needs me or needs someone to talk to, that is the correct e-mail. I feel horrible that I was giving out the wrong e-mail. I am also on twitter "martinimama412" Okay, now I sound like an advertisement! haha.

Saturday night is coming fast. I am excited about getting fit for my mask, but I am also not excited about spending the night with the creeper watching me sleep again. It is the same doctor that is going to be there. I feel so bad that I call him the creeper but that is what it feels like. I just get a weird feeling about him. Once again I wanted to go in at the latest time since I never go to sleep late so again I will be the last one he is waking up in the morning. I hate being there alone with him. haha. I sound so mean, I know, because he is nice. I just am weird about things like that, I think I watch too many movies.

After I get that done, it will be a week til my 5th weigh in and then the seminar I have to go to...then 2 weeks until I should get a date for my surgery. They should submit everything to my insurance the first week of Oct. I am so nervous. That is all I keep thinking about. I just want to get approved. I think once I hear those words I will settle down some. Of course I am going to then be nervous for the actual surgery but then I can start planning.

I am thinking about making meals and freezing them for my hubby and son. Especially meals for lunches for my son. The last thing I am going to want to do is prepare food during my 2 weeks of liquids. That will be like freaking torture for me. Popping something in the microwave will be so much easier, but I don't want to just buy things, I want to make sure it is something I make so I can make sure it is still good for him. I don't want my old eating habits to come back when feeding my child...the last thing I want for this boy is him to have the weight issues I had when growing up. That is one of my fears about him...I don't want him to have to struggle with his weight, and I will do everything in my power for him to grow up at a healthy weight.

Found an outlet

 I am still counting down til I get my date, but I honestly lost track of how many days and I won't let myself recount. I guess that is a good thing. I had such a good weekend. I was talking to a friend of the family that has had Gastric Bypass. She was so open about it to me because she knows that I am working on my 6 months. She told me I could call her whenever I wanted with any questions or just to vent. She said that she had someone like that while she had hers and it helped. She told me especially after the surgery, she said she will be there for me. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I have someone like this to talk to. I am the type of person that likes to talk about things, that is why I started the blog. I feel like I talk about things too much and my family gets sick of it. (When I say family...don't count my hubby...he never gets sick of it) anyway...I just feel good about having that person. She told me the 2-4 weeks that I am on liquids is the hardest and that all food just smells soo good. I think that is going to be my hardest part because I am a stay at home momma and I do have to be around and prepare food during the day. I am strong though, and I want this so bad, so I think I will do good...but I am not doubting that it is going to be hard.....very hard.

I am also driving myself crazy about the psych evaluation. I have anxiety and I am on meds for it. I do not see anyone, I am just on 100mg of Effexor a day. It is a stronger drug but it helps me so much. I do not know how to describe my anxiety. One of my best friends has the same kind of anxiety as I do...and actually is on the same dose of my meds and everything that I am. All I can describe it as is thoughts running through my head all the time I am trying to rest...and they would keep me up at night. I honestly think a lot of it has to do with me staying at home and I am not used to it...even though its been over 3 years now. I can't even describe or tell you the thoughts because they run so fast especially at night. I do not want my psych evaluation to be denied because of this. That is my fear. I do want to eventually get off my meds, I think the surgery will help a lot. I can't describe why, I just feel it will. Maybe it is just because I am being so positive lately. I feel soo good about myself, not physically but mentally. I feel that these 6 months have made me such a stronger person because I have took charge of my life. It feels damn good.

This Saturday night I go for my other sleep test. This is the one where they fit me with my mask and I get to sleep with it and all that fun stuff. At first I was embarrassed about having to wear it, but now I am excited about the whole thing...I can not wait to sleep in my house with the machine just to see how I feel the next morning. I bet I get the best nights sleep ever. I can just imagine what my toddler is going to say about it though. HAHAHA. This is going to be great.

I talked enough...but I still have so much to talk about. I am sure I will write more soon. Now time to clean the kitchen.

Counting down til I get my date *hopefully*

I have 35 days until I should get my surgery date. Sept 22nd I go for my psych evaluation, blood doctor, and meeting with the surgeon. I am not too worried about the psych evaluation. I think he will see that I have a really good understanding of the surgery and what I need to do after the surgery. I am open minded to everything, and I even want to continue to see a therapist after the surgery. I think it is important to do this so I can work on my emotional eating. I have really cut it out, but there are still those times that I just want a big cookie or cupcake. I think that is natural but I need to work on the better choices. I find myself looking at ingredients when I go to the store and asking myself if I REALLY need that. I am doing well, and I am very proud of myself for it. I find myself putting things back that I know I shouldn't eat. I am almost at 2 months with no soda. Seriously, I never thought I would ever ever ever get to say that. I was a huge soda drinker and I figured out just by stopping the soda I cut out at least 800-1000 calories a day. I know what ya'll are thinking, and yes that was a lot of soda! It just adds up soo fast. I mean in one 12oz can of Coke is 120 calories. I was drinking BIG glasses of soda...and I know that was well over 12 ozs at a time. Scary. I can't wait til I can say I haven't had soda in 1 year. That is going to be my lifetime accomplishment! haha.

I have to go to a blood doctor to get cleared for surgery also. This is another thing that kinda of scares me. Without getting too into it (if you have any questions please ask, I just don't feel like writing the whole story out right now) but anyway, a month after I had my son I developed a Pulmonary Embolism and DVT...almost died. Scary stuff, so I am going to have to be on blood thinners after surgery. Not everyone has to do this, but since my background my surgeon is taking every precaution and making sure I leave on blood thinners just to make sure I do not develop clots. One of my worst fears is this doctor not clearing me for surgery. I would honestly understand if she didn't clear me. I would be heartbroken though. I am not letting that fear get to me, because I think that she will. I think it is good that my surgeon is sending me to her though, that way he knows how much thinners to give me and what I should leave the hospital on and how long I need to be on them. No biggie. At least I hope its not a biggie.

So, after all that my biggest hurdle is going to get approved by my insurance. With my history of clots and now sleep apnea, I hope they take all this into consideration. The clots are common especially in obese people. I hope that my insurance will see that my chances of getting another clot will go down if my weight does. I also hope they see that my sleep apnea could go away from weight loss. All this is in my favor...I just hope it is that easy. Like I have always said in my blog, I will fight for my life. I have not went through this 6 months for nothing. I am learning so much from this...my life is changing. The way I am eating is not only changing for the better but the way my husband and son are eating are changing also. This is such a good thing that I am doing for myself and us as a family. I feel so good about my decision. Of course I have the normal fears, and I am sure once I get a date and approved for the surgery I am going to have many more fears...if I didn't then I would be scared. I am more excited for this life change. It has already began, but I want that surgery to be over with and I want to see the progress.

I wonder what I will look like as my layers start melting?

Some Fears.

I am sure it is normal to have fears about weight loss surgery. I have new ones everyday. I am not scared of the surgery itself. I am sure that will change once I get approved from my insurance and the time gets closer. Right now I have little fears about things.

My one main fear...what if I don't like the way I look thin? I have always been overweight. I never saw myself "thin." What if I don't like it? This might sound really bad, but I love myself and I am very confident about my looks. Well, not so much about my body but my face. I love wearing makeup and I just love my face. What if I lose weight and I don't like that face under everything? That is my main fear.

Another fear, and I am sure is going to be a reality is people saying "you need to stop losing weight." I have a goal in my mind and so do my doctors. My doctors goal for me to be healthy is 140lbs. Everyone that I tell that to says "you will look too thin if you get that low." I ask them "Well I am having the surgery to get healthy, and that is a healthy weight for my height...why would I have the surgery and not have a healthy weight in mind." As much as I know family cares, I do not want to hear things like that. A lot of my family is not asking questions about the surgery and I know a lot of them do not want me to even go through with it. I just don't want them to pretend to care and tell me I need to stop losing once I have the surgery. If you do not care about me before the surgery, don't start caring after.

I can not wait til I can go get my treadmill in a few weeks. I can not wait to start walking more. I want to get in a routine before my surgery that way after I get it I can just ease right back into a workout that I am used to. I am looking at this is a second chance at life. My first chance I didn't care about my body, but this second chance I am getting I am going to take care of myself. I am going to watch everything that goes into my mouth, I am going to make sure not only I am eating healthy but that my husband and son are too. I am going to get into an exercise routine that I do, and I am going to stick with it. I am going to be the health conscience person I have always wanted to be but never was. I am going to do this.

I have sleep apnea...no way!

My Sleep Apnea tests came back, they called me last week. I have been wanting to write about it, but I seriously had to think about it for awhile. When they called I was in shock when they told me I have severe sleep apnea. I was embarrassed. Seriously! I just wanted to ignore the tests and go on. I then called my surgeons office and spoke with the nurse. Well I can not get Gastric Bypass without getting the sleep machine and all that. So I go back on the 28th to get fitted for my sleep mask. I just wanted to cry at first. How fair is this...! I became defensive about the whole situation. I didn't want the mask to sleep with, I didn't want to wear it. I was coming up with every excuse in the book. I thought about it and thought about it....then I came to the conclusion that I need to stop being so defensive and concentrate on my well being.

I started this gastric bypass journey to get healthy. I am not in it to get "skinny" or anything like that. I did it to lose weight and keep healthy for my son. Well, if it wasn't or me doing this for myself, I would of never known I had sleep apnea. (Which I am learning is very dangerous to not get treated.) So, with becoming healthy, this is something I must do for myself to stay healthy. Why should I be embarrassed about having sleep apnea? I already am able to admit I am morbidly obese....so this is one thing that can come along with being that over weight. I can look on the bright side that once I lose this weight the sleep apnea might go away....but then again it might not. I should just be thankful that I decided to do this process...even though I am finding out things that I do not want to know about myself it is for the best that I do know this....because then it can be treated.

In a few weeks I have my 5th weigh in. I am excited. I am more excited to be getting my surgery date soon and to see if my insurance approves me for the surgery. I am trying not to think about what I am going to have to go through if I am denied. I made up my mind I will fight...I am fighting for my life...and I will do whatever it takes to get healthy for my child. I keep thinking about being able to run with him and just feel soo much better about myself. Even though I am not doing it to be "skinny" having this extra weight always is on my mind. I am self conscience a lot of the times, even though I might not show it. I can not imagine being able to go out of the house with a nice outfit on and feel good. I think this is surgery is not only going to be good for me physically, but also mentally. I think about this all the time. I am very excited for this to all come together. I have been working so hard the past few months and it honestly has went by so fast!


I just cant wait to start my change!

4th weigh in....check

I had my 4th weigh in yesterday with my PCP. I was so excited to get weighed because I knew I had to of lost something...not only did I cut out soda completely (one month without it today...yippeee) I do not get out of breath going up the stairs in my house. Well I stepped on the scale and I am down 4lbs! I am thrilled. This diet that they have me on is actually doing something. I know it is not a lot, but it is something and that is all that I care about. I have my 5th weigh in on Sept 7th. Only 2 more to go and I can not wait. This 6 months has went by so fast I seriously can not believe in a few months I will be dropping this weight!

I found out that a gym opened up in my area that is only $10 a month. I am getting a tread mill in a few weeks, but I think I might want to start the gym too. I think if anything I will start the gym once I have my surgery, until then I will use the treadmill and see how much I can drop from that. I am so excited that I am going to get in shape. I have wanted to be "in shape" all my life and this year I am going to start that journey.

I still have my worries, what if I lose all this weight and I turn ugly. Seriously, that does happen, you have to admit...some people just do not look good "thin." I also am nervous about just everything. Seriously, I have wanted to be "thin" my whole life, I just could never get that way. I do not know how it is going to feel to shop in a regular store. OMG...I might be able to get in mediums one day. No more Lane Bryant! Its just all these thoughts running through my head. I do not know how it is just to be able to walk into a store and buy something without first having to see if they have a "plus size" section. I am going to be free. I am going to look good in a nice summer dress. I won't have to worry about being "the fat one" where ever I go. Believe me, as much confidence as it might seem that I have...I always am thinking "i am the fat one."