I have sleep apnea...no way!

My Sleep Apnea tests came back, they called me last week. I have been wanting to write about it, but I seriously had to think about it for awhile. When they called I was in shock when they told me I have severe sleep apnea. I was embarrassed. Seriously! I just wanted to ignore the tests and go on. I then called my surgeons office and spoke with the nurse. Well I can not get Gastric Bypass without getting the sleep machine and all that. So I go back on the 28th to get fitted for my sleep mask. I just wanted to cry at first. How fair is this...! I became defensive about the whole situation. I didn't want the mask to sleep with, I didn't want to wear it. I was coming up with every excuse in the book. I thought about it and thought about it....then I came to the conclusion that I need to stop being so defensive and concentrate on my well being.

I started this gastric bypass journey to get healthy. I am not in it to get "skinny" or anything like that. I did it to lose weight and keep healthy for my son. Well, if it wasn't or me doing this for myself, I would of never known I had sleep apnea. (Which I am learning is very dangerous to not get treated.) So, with becoming healthy, this is something I must do for myself to stay healthy. Why should I be embarrassed about having sleep apnea? I already am able to admit I am morbidly obese....so this is one thing that can come along with being that over weight. I can look on the bright side that once I lose this weight the sleep apnea might go away....but then again it might not. I should just be thankful that I decided to do this process...even though I am finding out things that I do not want to know about myself it is for the best that I do know this....because then it can be treated.

In a few weeks I have my 5th weigh in. I am excited. I am more excited to be getting my surgery date soon and to see if my insurance approves me for the surgery. I am trying not to think about what I am going to have to go through if I am denied. I made up my mind I will fight...I am fighting for my life...and I will do whatever it takes to get healthy for my child. I keep thinking about being able to run with him and just feel soo much better about myself. Even though I am not doing it to be "skinny" having this extra weight always is on my mind. I am self conscience a lot of the times, even though I might not show it. I can not imagine being able to go out of the house with a nice outfit on and feel good. I think this is surgery is not only going to be good for me physically, but also mentally. I think about this all the time. I am very excited for this to all come together. I have been working so hard the past few months and it honestly has went by so fast!


I just cant wait to start my change!

Sleep Apnea test...over!

Sleep Apnea test went well. It was just like I thought it would be, well sorta. I thought it was going to be a big center, but it was tiny. When I got there the other 2 people there were already asleep. The one thing that I didn't like was there was only one doctor there. Don't get me wrong, there is no need for someone else to be there, but I personally would of liked a nurse or someone of the same sex there also. To me the doctor that was there was weird and I got a creepy feeling from him.

When I got there I chnaged into my Pj's and he sat me down on a chair and started to hook me up with all the wires. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but then the more wired up I got the more uncomfy I knew the night was going to be. I got them but all over my head, then he started on my face. I hate things touching my face when I sleep so that is the part I hated. I also had to wear this thing in my nose that went down into my mouth to monitor my breathing. When I got into bed he put what I call "ET" on my finger. If anyone was ever in the hospital you know what I am talking about, it clips on and measures your oxygen level. That had to stay on all night. Seriously, how is anyone supposed to get a good night sleep all hooked up! To make matters worse, every time I would try to get comfortable and move my legs the creeper doctor would have to come in and fix the monitors on my legs. It was driving me insane because it always happened right as I was drifting off to sleep. I did eventually get to sleep and everything was okay. Creeper The Doctor came in around 6am and woke me up. I then had to fill out paper work on how well I thought I slept. I wanted to write down "it would of been better if you left me alone." Of course I didn't write that...but I am thankful it is over. I just hope that I passed the test, I should know in a week or two because the last thing I want to do is have to go back there for a night. If I would have to I think I might cry. LOL. seriously.

Just in case you are curious what a person looks like before they go to sleep at a sleep apnea test, I had to snap a picture and send it to all my friends/family for a good laugh. I thought I would share!

Few hours til sleepy time!

So tonight is my big night, the sleep apnea test. I know, some people that have had it done are probably like "whats the big deal?" Well, it is a big deal to me because I have no idea what to expect. I do know a little bit but its just because I have never had it done so of course I am going to be nervous. I am going to take pictures of me hooked up, I can't wait to share those. This is going to be so funny. I figure once this is over, that is a big step that is over for my surgery. I just hope to goodness I do not have sleep apnea. This is my biggest fear of taking the test. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am going to my friends house before I check in tonight just to clear my head and relax. The good thing is that I stayed up til 4am building Xavier's new toy kitchen we bought him. That thing was a monster to build, it took me close to 4 hours. I am so sleepy so I know as soon as I get to the test center tonight I am going to be ready to go to bed. I just hope I can fall asleep quick to get it over with.

I also have so much homework to get done, so the earlier they wake me up tomorrow the better. That is another thing, I hope they wake me up in the morning, because if they don't and its quiet in there and dark I could sleep all day! haha. Seriously, even though I am going to miss my son and hubby all night...it is going to be nice to get the bed to myself. Oh yea, how embarrassing is this...I still sleep with a blanky! 27 years old and still sleeps with a blanky. I can't help it I have done it all my life and I am not going to stop now, so of course I am bringing it with me tonight. My husband made me keep it home on our honeymoon, ticked me off...but I don't think Vegas was any place for a blankie! HAHAHA!

Okay, let me go get ready to get this evening started. I still need to get something for dinner and go drop off stuff at my friends. Fun fun! I'll be sure to update tomorrow!

Saturday = Sleep Apnea Test!

Why am I so scared to have this sleep apnea test on Saturday night? I go spend the night, I have to be there at 10pm. I think that the main reason I am so nervous is because this whole surgery thing is becoming so real, and it is coming so fast. I am not having any second guesses about it, I want it, I am excited for it...but it is a huge life changing decision that I am making.

Don't worry, I am going to take a lot o pictures of me hooked up to anything and I know I will be posting them on my blog on Sunday when I get home. I know it's not going to be that bad, I am not nervous at all for the test, I do think it is more nerves because it is making me one step closer to the surgery. *sigh*

I try to talk to people about the surgery but no one gets it. No one seems to understand that I am doing this for my health. I am doing this because I am not just fat, I am "morbidly obese." Doesn't that sound horrible? I hate saying it, but I am able to say it. I am able to say it and it feels good. I always ignored the fact or just overlooked it and those words could never come out of my mouth. I knew my blood pressure was going up but I still could not get the words out of my mouth. Now, I can say it. I am not scared of those words, and that is how I knew I was able to make this life decision for this change of life. I am doing it for me. I am not doing it to be skinny...although let me tell you, it is going to feel damn good to be thin. Seriously...I am looking forward to going into a store and not having to walk to the plus size section.

I just wish I could sit down with someone that knows what I am going through and just talk to them. I am scheduling for Andrew and I to go to the seminar about the process, it is something I have to do, but I am happy I have to. I am hoping to find someone there that I can talk to. I really need that. My family is there for me, but when I talk about it everyone gets annoyed. I know I talk about it a lot but I feel like I need to. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about my fears, concerns, my happiness. I do not talk about it to my friends as much, I keep it to myself unless they ask. My family I thought would ask me more about it and be there a little more then they are, but it's okay, I am not doing it for them anyway. My husband is the only one there for me 110%, and you know what...I am okay with that. I just need to talk to someone that has been through it and can help me through it.

I never thought this process would be so emotional for me...but it is.