thoughts and ramblings

I really wish everyone would understand that people getting Gastric Bypass are not just taking the "easy way out." I feel like I hear that all to much. When someone says that it makes them look really ignorant to the whole weight loss surgery. I feel if you do not understand the surgery then you should not even open up your mouth unless you are asking a question to educate yourself.

I want to know how changing your eating habits for the rest of your life is taking the easy way out? Not only are we changing the way we eat, we are changing everything we eat. We are changing our daily vitamin intake for the rest of our life.

I can easily say I have not ate the right foods all my life. With this 6 months of prep before the surgery and learning what I am going to have to eat after the surgery and how I am going to eat I am very excited to start this new life. That is the way I feel about it, a whole new life. I am learning so much, and seriously I wish I would of known all this sooner. The only thing, I am eating different now that I am in my prep. I am really thinking about what is good for me and what is not. Even though I am limiting my calories, cut out soda 100%, and really making the right choices I am still not losing weight....so I am really thinking my choice for this surgery is right for me. Let me tell you, if I was doing all this and I was actually seeing results I would not be getting the surgery.

That brings me to another thing that really bothers me. How can someone be taking the "easy way out" by putting their life at risk by getting surgery? Surgery is riskier for people that are obese, yet this surgery is for obese people. That is really a risky thing to do. I do not find it easy at all.

I am excited for this process I just have so many mixed feelings that go through my mind everyday that I can't express to anyone because they have not went through it. I did find someone that lives in my area that actually got the surgery a few weeks ago by the same surgeon that I am going to use. That makes me very happy and talking to her has really helped. I think her and I are really going to become close within the next few months. It just feels so good to have someone that has went through this and with the same doctor.

Sleep Apnea test...over!

Sleep Apnea test went well. It was just like I thought it would be, well sorta. I thought it was going to be a big center, but it was tiny. When I got there the other 2 people there were already asleep. The one thing that I didn't like was there was only one doctor there. Don't get me wrong, there is no need for someone else to be there, but I personally would of liked a nurse or someone of the same sex there also. To me the doctor that was there was weird and I got a creepy feeling from him.

When I got there I chnaged into my Pj's and he sat me down on a chair and started to hook me up with all the wires. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but then the more wired up I got the more uncomfy I knew the night was going to be. I got them but all over my head, then he started on my face. I hate things touching my face when I sleep so that is the part I hated. I also had to wear this thing in my nose that went down into my mouth to monitor my breathing. When I got into bed he put what I call "ET" on my finger. If anyone was ever in the hospital you know what I am talking about, it clips on and measures your oxygen level. That had to stay on all night. Seriously, how is anyone supposed to get a good night sleep all hooked up! To make matters worse, every time I would try to get comfortable and move my legs the creeper doctor would have to come in and fix the monitors on my legs. It was driving me insane because it always happened right as I was drifting off to sleep. I did eventually get to sleep and everything was okay. Creeper The Doctor came in around 6am and woke me up. I then had to fill out paper work on how well I thought I slept. I wanted to write down "it would of been better if you left me alone." Of course I didn't write that...but I am thankful it is over. I just hope that I passed the test, I should know in a week or two because the last thing I want to do is have to go back there for a night. If I would have to I think I might cry. LOL. seriously.

Just in case you are curious what a person looks like before they go to sleep at a sleep apnea test, I had to snap a picture and send it to all my friends/family for a good laugh. I thought I would share!

Few hours til sleepy time!

So tonight is my big night, the sleep apnea test. I know, some people that have had it done are probably like "whats the big deal?" Well, it is a big deal to me because I have no idea what to expect. I do know a little bit but its just because I have never had it done so of course I am going to be nervous. I am going to take pictures of me hooked up, I can't wait to share those. This is going to be so funny. I figure once this is over, that is a big step that is over for my surgery. I just hope to goodness I do not have sleep apnea. This is my biggest fear of taking the test. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am going to my friends house before I check in tonight just to clear my head and relax. The good thing is that I stayed up til 4am building Xavier's new toy kitchen we bought him. That thing was a monster to build, it took me close to 4 hours. I am so sleepy so I know as soon as I get to the test center tonight I am going to be ready to go to bed. I just hope I can fall asleep quick to get it over with.

I also have so much homework to get done, so the earlier they wake me up tomorrow the better. That is another thing, I hope they wake me up in the morning, because if they don't and its quiet in there and dark I could sleep all day! haha. Seriously, even though I am going to miss my son and hubby all night...it is going to be nice to get the bed to myself. Oh yea, how embarrassing is this...I still sleep with a blanky! 27 years old and still sleeps with a blanky. I can't help it I have done it all my life and I am not going to stop now, so of course I am bringing it with me tonight. My husband made me keep it home on our honeymoon, ticked me off...but I don't think Vegas was any place for a blankie! HAHAHA!

Okay, let me go get ready to get this evening started. I still need to get something for dinner and go drop off stuff at my friends. Fun fun! I'll be sure to update tomorrow!

Saturday = Sleep Apnea Test!

Why am I so scared to have this sleep apnea test on Saturday night? I go spend the night, I have to be there at 10pm. I think that the main reason I am so nervous is because this whole surgery thing is becoming so real, and it is coming so fast. I am not having any second guesses about it, I want it, I am excited for it...but it is a huge life changing decision that I am making.

Don't worry, I am going to take a lot o pictures of me hooked up to anything and I know I will be posting them on my blog on Sunday when I get home. I know it's not going to be that bad, I am not nervous at all for the test, I do think it is more nerves because it is making me one step closer to the surgery. *sigh*

I try to talk to people about the surgery but no one gets it. No one seems to understand that I am doing this for my health. I am doing this because I am not just fat, I am "morbidly obese." Doesn't that sound horrible? I hate saying it, but I am able to say it. I am able to say it and it feels good. I always ignored the fact or just overlooked it and those words could never come out of my mouth. I knew my blood pressure was going up but I still could not get the words out of my mouth. Now, I can say it. I am not scared of those words, and that is how I knew I was able to make this life decision for this change of life. I am doing it for me. I am not doing it to be skinny...although let me tell you, it is going to feel damn good to be thin. Seriously...I am looking forward to going into a store and not having to walk to the plus size section.

I just wish I could sit down with someone that knows what I am going through and just talk to them. I am scheduling for Andrew and I to go to the seminar about the process, it is something I have to do, but I am happy I have to. I am hoping to find someone there that I can talk to. I really need that. My family is there for me, but when I talk about it everyone gets annoyed. I know I talk about it a lot but I feel like I need to. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about my fears, concerns, my happiness. I do not talk about it to my friends as much, I keep it to myself unless they ask. My family I thought would ask me more about it and be there a little more then they are, but it's okay, I am not doing it for them anyway. My husband is the only one there for me 110%, and you know what...I am okay with that. I just need to talk to someone that has been through it and can help me through it.

I never thought this process would be so emotional for me...but it is.

Let me get started.

I have been trying to figure out how to start my blog...seriously I do not have a clue what I want to say. I am the writer of "Martini Mama" and I did not want to turn that blog into my weight journal. I just didn't want that part of my life documented. The more I thought about it and the farther I am getting in this process before gastric bypass the more I realized I really did need an outlet and I thought if I could help or inspire anyone, I would love to do that. So, here I am, blogging my journey to being thin healthy.

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself. I am going to go back to my elementary school years. I was always the "fat girl." I was never mean to people, I was always a happy kid. Yet, I was also always the fat kid. I never told anyone because I was always embarrassed but I was the fat kid that everyone used to pick on. I was called everything, and of course that effected my life at home. I would become depressed and take it out on my parents. Eventually I told them and my mom talked to teachers and things worked out. I never held it against anyone, I just didn't have the time or energy to do so. I never even told my husband I was picked on. I am happy I was the one to be picked on because I will do everything in my power to make sure my son never does that to anyone. In a way I think it has made me stronger.

As I grew up I grew into my body. In high school I was still "heavy" but I didn't mind. I was thick and I loved the way I looked. I never got made fun of after elementary school and if I did it was never to my face. I also didn't care if I did. I was happy with myself.

I didn't start getting uncomfortable with my weight until after I had my son, Xavier. My husband and I are happy, he is happy with me. I think I started putting on the pounds after I had my Pulmonary Embolism and DVT from my c-section. I got really depressed. I have always worked since I got out of high school and now I am a stay at home mom. I love my job, but the food is always there and I do not get the exercise that I should. I admit, sleeping in and staying up late (I stay up late to get school work done online.) doesn't help much either.

About 4 months ago I finally decided that I was going to make a change. My blood pressure is getting high and I do not want to depend on meds for the rest of my life to control it. I have tried dieting and everything you can imagine, healthy and not to lose weight it just will not come off. My thyroid is not working like it should, but I would never blame that for my weight gain...it is my fault and I will never deny that. I met with a surgeon and I decided to start my 6 months of prep. I have to do a lot of things in this 6 months to make sure my health insurance will pay, and I am still not guaranteed that they will. I will fight for myself though. I told my husband (who is very supportive) that I will fight to get healthy. In no way am I doing this to get "thin." I want healthy. Don't get me wrong, I can not wait til I don't have to depend on the plus sized sections of the stores, but that still doesn't bother me, its knowing that my life is at risk if I keep at this weight or gain anymore.

On Aug 3rd I will do my 4th weigh in with my PCP. I am on a 1000 calorie a day diet and I try to get out and walk as much as possible. I should say as much as I can with a toddler. I go this Saturday (the 24th) for my sleep apnea test...and in September I got for my psych evaluation and I might even get a surgery date. It is excited, but I am scared at the same time.

Some people I am sure think that I am taking the easy way out to get healthy. That is far from the case. If anyone thinks this way, tell me to my face, but be prepared to also listen to everything that I am going to have to change for the rest of my life. This is far from easy. I am putting my life at risk at even getting the surgery, so that is a huge step right there.

This blog is going to be my outlet...if no one reads it, so be it...if you do and want to leave comments that is fine too. I will answer any questions anyone has to the best of my ability. I am an open book.