Thursday, September 23, 2010

I am not going to be "the fat one" anymore!

It feels so good to finally have a date for my surgery. It is finally starting to sink in today that I really am going to do this, and I have a month until my life literally changes forever. I am excited, but overwhelmed with everything. It finally feels like I am doing this for me. Of course I am nervous, I don't think it would be right not to be nervous but I am really getting excited. I know this is going to be hard, but it is going to do me so good.

The one thing that I learned throughout this process is who is really there for me. My friends and family have really shown me that they are soo supportive through this time. Of course there are those few that I have only heard "this surgery is bad for you" and things like that. Do I care about their opinions? No? Why you might ask? Because being fat is bad for you. I feel so good about my decision. Seriously if I didn't do this 6 month process I would of not known that I had sleep apnea. I would also be on high blood pressure meds, and I also would be at risk for heart attacks young and everything else that comes with being morbidly obese. Why is it when I use that word, even though I have come to terms with it, I still get chills? Anyone else do that when they say they are morbidly obese? It just sounds so...soo....bad. lol. Nothing wrong with it though. I love myself fat or skinny. Like I have said in other posts, I am scared I am going to be ugly when I lose weight, because I love what I look like now. I might be fat, but I am hot, if I do say so myself! haha. Love. Remember, if you don't love yourself no one can truely love you!

Time to get this boy to go down for a nap. 39 days and counting til I start my new life and not being "that fat girl" anymore! :)


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I got a date!

I am on cloud nine today. I went for my surgeons appt this morning and then my psych evaluation. Everything went really well...and they scheduled me for surgery. I can't believe it. I never thought this day would get here. I still have one weigh in (Oct 11th) after that they will submit me to insurance, and they said they have confidence everything will go good for that....soooooooooo my date...


I seriously can not wait. I do have to figure out how much money I am going to have to have that the insurance will not cover and things like that, but I will figure all that out. My husband said I will be getting surgery that day! YAY!

Okay, this was a really long day, so I am going to go cuddle up in bed. All 3 of us are exhausted!!


Sunday, September 19, 2010

CPAP Machine...bring it on!

As my readers know, I was completely against the CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. This was before I came to terms with having sleep apnea. I went through the stage of being embarrassed, and just down on myself that I let myself get this far "gone." Well, I had my sleep test last night with the CPAP Machine...and results are....I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET THAT FREAKING MACHINE IN MY HOME! I woke up this morning like a new lady. I couldn't believe how refreshed I was. I asked the sleep tech that was there "is this what normal people feel like when they get up in the morning?" He laughed at me, but I was really being serious for once. I should be getting the machine sometime this week or next. I wish I could of brought it home. I keep thinking to myself, if I got that nice of sleep when I was hooked up to all those wires then I am really going to feel great when I am home in my own bed. I am going to make a CPAP machine look sexy...or at least try to...that is what I told my hubby. Hahaha. Bring it on CPAP! that my last sleep test is done and my machine is ordered, I am completely done with tests. Wednesday I have my appointment with my surgeon, then I have my psych evaluation, then the clearance with my blood doctor. After that...smooth sailing. Oct. 5th I go to a hour seminar about the surgery, then Oct 11th is my last weigh in! After all that......they submit me to insurance. That is when I hold my breath until I get an okay! Eek...this is starting to go by way too fast. If I do not update before, I will update as soon as I get home from my busy day on grandmother has surgery that day it might be a little later in the evening!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


It is after midnight so it is officially Wednesday so I can say it...ONE WEEK TIL I FIND OUT A SURGERY DATE! Of course this means nothing because there is always the chance of getting denied by insurance but I will feel like I have finally got there in the process. Next Wednesday I have my 3rd appointment with my surgeon, my psych evaluation and the appointment with my blood doctor. The one thing that worries me is not even the psych evaluation, it is the blood doctor. Since I had clots in the past there is a chance she might tell me that I shouldn't have a surgery. This worries me, but I really feel like she will tell me it is okay. I mean, I know I am going to have to go home on blood thinners and all that fun stuff, but I am prepared. I had to do it when I got my gallbladder removed, and it was not a big deal. I just can not wait til next week. I am so geeked about it.

This coming Saturday I get fitted for my sleep mask for my oxygen for when I sleep. I am really not worried about it. I am just happy that they caught it and I am going to get it fixed...and on top of everything once I get it at my house I am going to get an awesome nights sleep! FOR REAL! :) haha. Hey, I got to keep looking at the brighter side of things. I mean, if it wasn't my decision for weight loss surgery, I would never of known that I had sleep it is all good. Right?

So...what else is needed to do? Oct. 5th I go to a seminar about the surgery. This is about a hour long and is required by my insurance that I attend one of these. I am happy that they are making me go because I think that it is going to be really helpful. I am trying to learn as much as I can about everything. This is going to help inform my husband more too. After the 5th.....I have my last weigh in with my PCP on Oct 11th! That is not only my last weigh in but when I get him to write the letter of recommendation to my insurance. THEN THEN THEN.........I get submitted and hopefully approved. I keep thinking that it is soo long but I really have less then a month until I get submitted to insurance. That is not long at all. Hey, I have waiting 6 months for this day to come, so what is like 3 more weeks! I am smiling as I write this. I do not think ANYONE realizes how happy this is all making me. Everything is finally coming together for me. I just can't wait to be submitted... this blog is going to be full of worries then! HAHAHA.

Time for dreamland!


Sunday, September 12, 2010

As I look in the mirror...

Sooo....this Saturday I have my sleep test, this is the one where I get fitted for a mask/oxygen. Lovely. I am excited, I just want to get it over with. I want to go, sleep there, and come home. I hate spending the night away from my hubby and son. Believe me, I am not trying to be all lovey dovey, but seriously, I get no sleep away from them. I am just so used to being next to them...and of course cuddling with my 3 cats.

I am getting really nervous. A week from this Wednesday is when I have another appointment with my surgeon...where I should get a date, or at least a round about date of when my surgery is going to happen. I am excited...but the nerves are starting to kick in. I also have my psych evaluation that day and the appointment with the blood doctor. I just want to get everything done, because once this appointment is out of the way, I only have 2 more things to do...that is my group meeting, where they talk about the surgery and have other people there that have had it (I seriously can not remember what they call this) and then my last weigh in. My last weigh in is scheduled for Oct 11th. After that, then they will submit everything to my insurance and it is out of my hands. I keep thinking, after Oct. 11th, all this hard work I have put in the past 6 months is all up to my insurance. That is unbelievable how this works. You would think that it would be up to doctors...not an insurance group that has to take the work of me for 6 months, and all my doctors and then make a yes or no answer. It really is driving me crazy. I just want to hear "approved." Once I hear those words I think will be the night I get a good night sleep...the first one in 6 months. *sigh*

I keep looking at myself in the mirror after my showers. I keep wondering if I am going to like what I see once I start melting away. I feel like I am hidden behind layers of fat...what will I look like? Will I still think I am pretty? Don't think I am vein, but I really like the way I look...I love me. I can really say that. I just wonder if I will still feel the same way once I am thin? Will my skin hang? I am sure it will...but will I be able to look past that? I just think of every little detail. This is life changing. I am making a decision to have someone make a new little stomach for me so I can get healthy. This is not a simple choice. This is huge. This is probably going to be the biggest decision I ever have to make for myself. I wish everyone would understand that. It isn't like I am walking into the doctors for a pill. I am actually having someone make me a new "pouch." I am never going to be the same Nikki again. Ever. I am going to be on vitamins for the rest of my life, I am going to have to watch everything that goes into my mouth. LIFE CHANGE....but of course there will always be those people that do not see it like that, they will always see it as "Nikki's easy way out."


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It's been a little.

I know, I know, it has been awhile...but life sorta got in the way of my blogging. I have also been doing this daily blog challenge on my Mommy Blog and I didn't realize how hard it is to find time to blog at least once a day for 30 days. Okay, so for my update...

Let me see, where do I begin? Well my pants started to get big on me so I got really excited that I was losing weight. I have been sticking to the diet of 1000-1200 calories a day really well. Of course there are some little mistakes here and there but I have been doing well. I have also been a lot more active. I really thought I was doing really well with losing weight. I have also been off soda since that is also a help. I went to my 5th weigh in yesterday and I gained the 4lbs back that I had lost plus a pound. How does one gain 5 lbs in a month when they are on such a strict diet? This is what I have been asking myself since I stepped on that scale. I was really looking forward to my appointment yesterday too, I just knew the numbers were going to be lower. I don't know what I did wrong but I am a little bit ashamed of myself, okay, I am very ashamed of myself. It just really sucks. I guess this is why I need the surgery. I just wish I knew why I was gaining weight like this. I can't believe my weight is as high as it is. I never thought I would "let" myself get like this. I sometimes just want to crawl into bed and hide. It really is starting to get to me. I am tired of being like this, I am tired of having my weight take control of my life, because that is how I am feeling.

2 weeks from today I should get a surgery date. I am counting down, I am very excited about it. Then I think to myself, that date means nothing because it is up to my insurance if they are going to let me get the surgery or not. My last weigh in is Oct 11th, so I am assuming that Oct 12th things will get faxed to insurance. It makes me angry that the insurance is who gets to decide if I am going to get the surgery. I don't think it is fair, especially when I am doing anything and everything in my power to prep for this. I have thought long and hard about this surgery, its not an easy decision to say "Hey, this doctor is going to make my stomach 2 oz's and this is going to effect the rest of my life." This is seriously the hardest decision of my life. Well I should say the hardest/easiest decision. I say it like that because of course it was HARD...I thought long and hard about it and talked to my hubby and everyone, but the easiest because I want ME back. I want my health back to normal, I don't want to have to worry about heart attacks and all the stuff that comes with being over weight.

I just can't wait til my 6 months is over and I hear something from my insurance. When all this waiting is over I will be much better. Let's just hope it's the outcome that I really have been waiting for.