Why am I so scared to have this sleep apnea test on Saturday night? I go spend the night, I have to be there at 10pm. I think that the main reason I am so nervous is because this whole surgery thing is becoming so real, and it is coming so fast. I am not having any second guesses about it, I want it, I am excited for it...but it is a huge life changing decision that I am making.
Don't worry, I am going to take a lot o pictures of me hooked up to anything and I know I will be posting them on my blog on Sunday when I get home. I know it's not going to be that bad, I am not nervous at all for the test, I do think it is more nerves because it is making me one step closer to the surgery. *sigh*
I try to talk to people about the surgery but no one gets it. No one seems to understand that I am doing this for my health. I am doing this because I am not just fat, I am "morbidly obese." Doesn't that sound horrible? I hate saying it, but I am able to say it. I am able to say it and it feels good. I always ignored the fact or just overlooked it and those words could never come out of my mouth. I knew my blood pressure was going up but I still could not get the words out of my mouth. Now, I can say it. I am not scared of those words, and that is how I knew I was able to make this life decision for this change of life. I am doing it for me. I am not doing it to be skinny...although let me tell you, it is going to feel damn good to be thin. Seriously...I am looking forward to going into a store and not having to walk to the plus size section.
I just wish I could sit down with someone that knows what I am going through and just talk to them. I am scheduling for Andrew and I to go to the seminar about the process, it is something I have to do, but I am happy I have to. I am hoping to find someone there that I can talk to. I really need that. My family is there for me, but when I talk about it everyone gets annoyed. I know I talk about it a lot but I feel like I need to. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about my fears, concerns, my happiness. I do not talk about it to my friends as much, I keep it to myself unless they ask. My family I thought would ask me more about it and be there a little more then they are, but it's okay, I am not doing it for them anyway. My husband is the only one there for me 110%, and you know what...I am okay with that. I just need to talk to someone that has been through it and can help me through it.
I never thought this process would be so emotional for me...but it is.