Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Let me get started.

I have been trying to figure out how to start my blog...seriously I do not have a clue what I want to say. I am the writer of "Martini Mama" and I did not want to turn that blog into my weight journal. I just didn't want that part of my life documented. The more I thought about it and the farther I am getting in this process before gastric bypass the more I realized I really did need an outlet and I thought if I could help or inspire anyone, I would love to do that. So, here I am, blogging my journey to being thin healthy.

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself. I am going to go back to my elementary school years. I was always the "fat girl." I was never mean to people, I was always a happy kid. Yet, I was also always the fat kid. I never told anyone because I was always embarrassed but I was the fat kid that everyone used to pick on. I was called everything, and of course that effected my life at home. I would become depressed and take it out on my parents. Eventually I told them and my mom talked to teachers and things worked out. I never held it against anyone, I just didn't have the time or energy to do so. I never even told my husband I was picked on. I am happy I was the one to be picked on because I will do everything in my power to make sure my son never does that to anyone. In a way I think it has made me stronger.

As I grew up I grew into my body. In high school I was still "heavy" but I didn't mind. I was thick and I loved the way I looked. I never got made fun of after elementary school and if I did it was never to my face. I also didn't care if I did. I was happy with myself.

I didn't start getting uncomfortable with my weight until after I had my son, Xavier. My husband and I are happy, he is happy with me. I think I started putting on the pounds after I had my Pulmonary Embolism and DVT from my c-section. I got really depressed. I have always worked since I got out of high school and now I am a stay at home mom. I love my job, but the food is always there and I do not get the exercise that I should. I admit, sleeping in and staying up late (I stay up late to get school work done online.) doesn't help much either.

About 4 months ago I finally decided that I was going to make a change. My blood pressure is getting high and I do not want to depend on meds for the rest of my life to control it. I have tried dieting and everything you can imagine, healthy and not to lose weight it just will not come off. My thyroid is not working like it should, but I would never blame that for my weight gain...it is my fault and I will never deny that. I met with a surgeon and I decided to start my 6 months of prep. I have to do a lot of things in this 6 months to make sure my health insurance will pay, and I am still not guaranteed that they will. I will fight for myself though. I told my husband (who is very supportive) that I will fight to get healthy. In no way am I doing this to get "thin." I want healthy. Don't get me wrong, I can not wait til I don't have to depend on the plus sized sections of the stores, but that still doesn't bother me, its knowing that my life is at risk if I keep at this weight or gain anymore.

On Aug 3rd I will do my 4th weigh in with my PCP. I am on a 1000 calorie a day diet and I try to get out and walk as much as possible. I should say as much as I can with a toddler. I go this Saturday (the 24th) for my sleep apnea test...and in September I got for my psych evaluation and I might even get a surgery date. It is excited, but I am scared at the same time.

Some people I am sure think that I am taking the easy way out to get healthy. That is far from the case. If anyone thinks this way, tell me to my face, but be prepared to also listen to everything that I am going to have to change for the rest of my life. This is far from easy. I am putting my life at risk at even getting the surgery, so that is a huge step right there.

This blog is going to be my outlet...if no one reads it, so be it...if you do and want to leave comments that is fine too. I will answer any questions anyone has to the best of my ability. I am an open book.


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