Sunday, September 12, 2010

As I look in the mirror...

Sooo....this Saturday I have my sleep test, this is the one where I get fitted for a mask/oxygen. Lovely. I am excited, I just want to get it over with. I want to go, sleep there, and come home. I hate spending the night away from my hubby and son. Believe me, I am not trying to be all lovey dovey, but seriously, I get no sleep away from them. I am just so used to being next to them...and of course cuddling with my 3 cats.

I am getting really nervous. A week from this Wednesday is when I have another appointment with my surgeon...where I should get a date, or at least a round about date of when my surgery is going to happen. I am excited...but the nerves are starting to kick in. I also have my psych evaluation that day and the appointment with the blood doctor. I just want to get everything done, because once this appointment is out of the way, I only have 2 more things to do...that is my group meeting, where they talk about the surgery and have other people there that have had it (I seriously can not remember what they call this) and then my last weigh in. My last weigh in is scheduled for Oct 11th. After that, then they will submit everything to my insurance and it is out of my hands. I keep thinking, after Oct. 11th, all this hard work I have put in the past 6 months is all up to my insurance. That is unbelievable how this works. You would think that it would be up to doctors...not an insurance group that has to take the work of me for 6 months, and all my doctors and then make a yes or no answer. It really is driving me crazy. I just want to hear "approved." Once I hear those words I think will be the night I get a good night sleep...the first one in 6 months. *sigh*

I keep looking at myself in the mirror after my showers. I keep wondering if I am going to like what I see once I start melting away. I feel like I am hidden behind layers of fat...what will I look like? Will I still think I am pretty? Don't think I am vein, but I really like the way I look...I love me. I can really say that. I just wonder if I will still feel the same way once I am thin? Will my skin hang? I am sure it will...but will I be able to look past that? I just think of every little detail. This is life changing. I am making a decision to have someone make a new little stomach for me so I can get healthy. This is not a simple choice. This is huge. This is probably going to be the biggest decision I ever have to make for myself. I wish everyone would understand that. It isn't like I am walking into the doctors for a pill. I am actually having someone make me a new "pouch." I am never going to be the same Nikki again. Ever. I am going to be on vitamins for the rest of my life, I am going to have to watch everything that goes into my mouth. LIFE CHANGE....but of course there will always be those people that do not see it like that, they will always see it as "Nikki's easy way out."


No comments:

Post a Comment