As I look in the mirror...

Sooo....this Saturday I have my sleep test, this is the one where I get fitted for a mask/oxygen. Lovely. I am excited, I just want to get it over with. I want to go, sleep there, and come home. I hate spending the night away from my hubby and son. Believe me, I am not trying to be all lovey dovey, but seriously, I get no sleep away from them. I am just so used to being next to them...and of course cuddling with my 3 cats.

I am getting really nervous. A week from this Wednesday is when I have another appointment with my surgeon...where I should get a date, or at least a round about date of when my surgery is going to happen. I am excited...but the nerves are starting to kick in. I also have my psych evaluation that day and the appointment with the blood doctor. I just want to get everything done, because once this appointment is out of the way, I only have 2 more things to do...that is my group meeting, where they talk about the surgery and have other people there that have had it (I seriously can not remember what they call this) and then my last weigh in. My last weigh in is scheduled for Oct 11th. After that, then they will submit everything to my insurance and it is out of my hands. I keep thinking, after Oct. 11th, all this hard work I have put in the past 6 months is all up to my insurance. That is unbelievable how this works. You would think that it would be up to doctors...not an insurance group that has to take the work of me for 6 months, and all my doctors and then make a yes or no answer. It really is driving me crazy. I just want to hear "approved." Once I hear those words I think will be the night I get a good night sleep...the first one in 6 months. *sigh*

I keep looking at myself in the mirror after my showers. I keep wondering if I am going to like what I see once I start melting away. I feel like I am hidden behind layers of fat...what will I look like? Will I still think I am pretty? Don't think I am vein, but I really like the way I look...I love me. I can really say that. I just wonder if I will still feel the same way once I am thin? Will my skin hang? I am sure it will...but will I be able to look past that? I just think of every little detail. This is life changing. I am making a decision to have someone make a new little stomach for me so I can get healthy. This is not a simple choice. This is huge. This is probably going to be the biggest decision I ever have to make for myself. I wish everyone would understand that. It isn't like I am walking into the doctors for a pill. I am actually having someone make me a new "pouch." I am never going to be the same Nikki again. Ever. I am going to be on vitamins for the rest of my life, I am going to have to watch everything that goes into my mouth. LIFE CHANGE....but of course there will always be those people that do not see it like that, they will always see it as "Nikki's easy way out."

It's been a little.

I know, I know, it has been awhile...but life sorta got in the way of my blogging. I have also been doing this daily blog challenge on my Mommy Blog and I didn't realize how hard it is to find time to blog at least once a day for 30 days. Okay, so for my update...

Let me see, where do I begin? Well my pants started to get big on me so I got really excited that I was losing weight. I have been sticking to the diet of 1000-1200 calories a day really well. Of course there are some little mistakes here and there but I have been doing well. I have also been a lot more active. I really thought I was doing really well with losing weight. I have also been off soda since July...so that is also a help. I went to my 5th weigh in yesterday and I gained the 4lbs back that I had lost plus a pound. How does one gain 5 lbs in a month when they are on such a strict diet? This is what I have been asking myself since I stepped on that scale. I was really looking forward to my appointment yesterday too, I just knew the numbers were going to be lower. I don't know what I did wrong but I am a little bit ashamed of myself, okay, I am very ashamed of myself. It just really sucks. I guess this is why I need the surgery. I just wish I knew why I was gaining weight like this. I can't believe my weight is as high as it is. I never thought I would "let" myself get like this. I sometimes just want to crawl into bed and hide. It really is starting to get to me. I am tired of being like this, I am tired of having my weight take control of my life, because that is how I am feeling.

2 weeks from today I should get a surgery date. I am counting down, I am very excited about it. Then I think to myself, that date means nothing because it is up to my insurance if they are going to let me get the surgery or not. My last weigh in is Oct 11th, so I am assuming that Oct 12th things will get faxed to insurance. It makes me angry that the insurance is who gets to decide if I am going to get the surgery. I don't think it is fair, especially when I am doing anything and everything in my power to prep for this. I have thought long and hard about this surgery, its not an easy decision to say "Hey, this doctor is going to make my stomach 2 oz's and this is going to effect the rest of my life." This is seriously the hardest decision of my life. Well I should say the hardest/easiest decision. I say it like that because of course it was HARD...I thought long and hard about it and talked to my hubby and everyone, but the easiest because I want ME back. I want my health back to normal, I don't want to have to worry about heart attacks and all the stuff that comes with being over weight.

I just can't wait til my 6 months is over and I hear something from my insurance. When all this waiting is over I will be much better. Let's just hope it's the outcome that I really have been waiting for.

Sleep test...canceled for the night! :)

Soooo...it's 12:45am Sunday and I am blogging. "I thought you had your sleep test" you might ask, well with my good luck............IT GOT CANCELED! Around 8:30 the sleep center called and the air condition was broke, the room I was supposed to sleep in was 90 degrees. I have to call Monday morning to reschedule. You might be wondering why I am so excited over this. Well, I slept in this morning forgetting my bed time was around 10:30pm, I just didn't feel like leaving my hubby and little boy for the night, and honestly I have bad PMS. So I am excited. I think I am going to reschedule for a Friday night next time. I figure it would be better because I am usually really tired and so is my hubby. That way we still have Saturday night together on that weekend. The guy said they should be able to get me in on whatever day I choose, just not this weekend because of the holiday. I don't want this to screw up me getting the surgery around November, I have heard that some doctors will not operate until the patient has been on their air machine (I forget the name of it) for at least a month. I do not know how true this is, but it really does make sense. So in that way, I just wish I was there sleeping right now, but I honestly would much rather be where I am, on my couch blogging. :)

saturday is coming to fast!

I want to say "I am sorry" for anyone that  I gave my e-mail to...it was the wrong one! I went to sign in the other night and I don't know what I was thinking but it wasn't even close. I check "martinimama412@gmail.com" all day, so if anyone needs me or needs someone to talk to, that is the correct e-mail. I feel horrible that I was giving out the wrong e-mail. I am also on twitter "martinimama412" Okay, now I sound like an advertisement! haha.

Saturday night is coming fast. I am excited about getting fit for my mask, but I am also not excited about spending the night with the creeper watching me sleep again. It is the same doctor that is going to be there. I feel so bad that I call him the creeper but that is what it feels like. I just get a weird feeling about him. Once again I wanted to go in at the latest time since I never go to sleep late so again I will be the last one he is waking up in the morning. I hate being there alone with him. haha. I sound so mean, I know, because he is nice. I just am weird about things like that, I think I watch too many movies.

After I get that done, it will be a week til my 5th weigh in and then the seminar I have to go to...then 2 weeks until I should get a date for my surgery. They should submit everything to my insurance the first week of Oct. I am so nervous. That is all I keep thinking about. I just want to get approved. I think once I hear those words I will settle down some. Of course I am going to then be nervous for the actual surgery but then I can start planning.

I am thinking about making meals and freezing them for my hubby and son. Especially meals for lunches for my son. The last thing I am going to want to do is prepare food during my 2 weeks of liquids. That will be like freaking torture for me. Popping something in the microwave will be so much easier, but I don't want to just buy things, I want to make sure it is something I make so I can make sure it is still good for him. I don't want my old eating habits to come back when feeding my child...the last thing I want for this boy is him to have the weight issues I had when growing up. That is one of my fears about him...I don't want him to have to struggle with his weight, and I will do everything in my power for him to grow up at a healthy weight.

Found an outlet

 I am still counting down til I get my date, but I honestly lost track of how many days and I won't let myself recount. I guess that is a good thing. I had such a good weekend. I was talking to a friend of the family that has had Gastric Bypass. She was so open about it to me because she knows that I am working on my 6 months. She told me I could call her whenever I wanted with any questions or just to vent. She said that she had someone like that while she had hers and it helped. She told me especially after the surgery, she said she will be there for me. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I have someone like this to talk to. I am the type of person that likes to talk about things, that is why I started the blog. I feel like I talk about things too much and my family gets sick of it. (When I say family...don't count my hubby...he never gets sick of it) anyway...I just feel good about having that person. She told me the 2-4 weeks that I am on liquids is the hardest and that all food just smells soo good. I think that is going to be my hardest part because I am a stay at home momma and I do have to be around and prepare food during the day. I am strong though, and I want this so bad, so I think I will do good...but I am not doubting that it is going to be hard.....very hard.

I am also driving myself crazy about the psych evaluation. I have anxiety and I am on meds for it. I do not see anyone, I am just on 100mg of Effexor a day. It is a stronger drug but it helps me so much. I do not know how to describe my anxiety. One of my best friends has the same kind of anxiety as I do...and actually is on the same dose of my meds and everything that I am. All I can describe it as is thoughts running through my head all the time I am trying to rest...and they would keep me up at night. I honestly think a lot of it has to do with me staying at home and I am not used to it...even though its been over 3 years now. I can't even describe or tell you the thoughts because they run so fast especially at night. I do not want my psych evaluation to be denied because of this. That is my fear. I do want to eventually get off my meds, I think the surgery will help a lot. I can't describe why, I just feel it will. Maybe it is just because I am being so positive lately. I feel soo good about myself, not physically but mentally. I feel that these 6 months have made me such a stronger person because I have took charge of my life. It feels damn good.

This Saturday night I go for my other sleep test. This is the one where they fit me with my mask and I get to sleep with it and all that fun stuff. At first I was embarrassed about having to wear it, but now I am excited about the whole thing...I can not wait to sleep in my house with the machine just to see how I feel the next morning. I bet I get the best nights sleep ever. I can just imagine what my toddler is going to say about it though. HAHAHA. This is going to be great.

I talked enough...but I still have so much to talk about. I am sure I will write more soon. Now time to clean the kitchen.

Counting down til I get my date *hopefully*

I have 35 days until I should get my surgery date. Sept 22nd I go for my psych evaluation, blood doctor, and meeting with the surgeon. I am not too worried about the psych evaluation. I think he will see that I have a really good understanding of the surgery and what I need to do after the surgery. I am open minded to everything, and I even want to continue to see a therapist after the surgery. I think it is important to do this so I can work on my emotional eating. I have really cut it out, but there are still those times that I just want a big cookie or cupcake. I think that is natural but I need to work on the better choices. I find myself looking at ingredients when I go to the store and asking myself if I REALLY need that. I am doing well, and I am very proud of myself for it. I find myself putting things back that I know I shouldn't eat. I am almost at 2 months with no soda. Seriously, I never thought I would ever ever ever get to say that. I was a huge soda drinker and I figured out just by stopping the soda I cut out at least 800-1000 calories a day. I know what ya'll are thinking, and yes that was a lot of soda! It just adds up soo fast. I mean in one 12oz can of Coke is 120 calories. I was drinking BIG glasses of soda...and I know that was well over 12 ozs at a time. Scary. I can't wait til I can say I haven't had soda in 1 year. That is going to be my lifetime accomplishment! haha.

I have to go to a blood doctor to get cleared for surgery also. This is another thing that kinda of scares me. Without getting too into it (if you have any questions please ask, I just don't feel like writing the whole story out right now) but anyway, a month after I had my son I developed a Pulmonary Embolism and DVT...almost died. Scary stuff, so I am going to have to be on blood thinners after surgery. Not everyone has to do this, but since my background my surgeon is taking every precaution and making sure I leave on blood thinners just to make sure I do not develop clots. One of my worst fears is this doctor not clearing me for surgery. I would honestly understand if she didn't clear me. I would be heartbroken though. I am not letting that fear get to me, because I think that she will. I think it is good that my surgeon is sending me to her though, that way he knows how much thinners to give me and what I should leave the hospital on and how long I need to be on them. No biggie. At least I hope its not a biggie.

So, after all that my biggest hurdle is going to get approved by my insurance. With my history of clots and now sleep apnea, I hope they take all this into consideration. The clots are common especially in obese people. I hope that my insurance will see that my chances of getting another clot will go down if my weight does. I also hope they see that my sleep apnea could go away from weight loss. All this is in my favor...I just hope it is that easy. Like I have always said in my blog, I will fight for my life. I have not went through this 6 months for nothing. I am learning so much from this...my life is changing. The way I am eating is not only changing for the better but the way my husband and son are eating are changing also. This is such a good thing that I am doing for myself and us as a family. I feel so good about my decision. Of course I have the normal fears, and I am sure once I get a date and approved for the surgery I am going to have many more fears...if I didn't then I would be scared. I am more excited for this life change. It has already began, but I want that surgery to be over with and I want to see the progress.

I wonder what I will look like as my layers start melting?

Some Fears.

I am sure it is normal to have fears about weight loss surgery. I have new ones everyday. I am not scared of the surgery itself. I am sure that will change once I get approved from my insurance and the time gets closer. Right now I have little fears about things.

My one main fear...what if I don't like the way I look thin? I have always been overweight. I never saw myself "thin." What if I don't like it? This might sound really bad, but I love myself and I am very confident about my looks. Well, not so much about my body but my face. I love wearing makeup and I just love my face. What if I lose weight and I don't like that face under everything? That is my main fear.

Another fear, and I am sure is going to be a reality is people saying "you need to stop losing weight." I have a goal in my mind and so do my doctors. My doctors goal for me to be healthy is 140lbs. Everyone that I tell that to says "you will look too thin if you get that low." I ask them "Well I am having the surgery to get healthy, and that is a healthy weight for my height...why would I have the surgery and not have a healthy weight in mind." As much as I know family cares, I do not want to hear things like that. A lot of my family is not asking questions about the surgery and I know a lot of them do not want me to even go through with it. I just don't want them to pretend to care and tell me I need to stop losing once I have the surgery. If you do not care about me before the surgery, don't start caring after.

I can not wait til I can go get my treadmill in a few weeks. I can not wait to start walking more. I want to get in a routine before my surgery that way after I get it I can just ease right back into a workout that I am used to. I am looking at this is a second chance at life. My first chance I didn't care about my body, but this second chance I am getting I am going to take care of myself. I am going to watch everything that goes into my mouth, I am going to make sure not only I am eating healthy but that my husband and son are too. I am going to get into an exercise routine that I do, and I am going to stick with it. I am going to be the health conscience person I have always wanted to be but never was. I am going to do this.